A grave full with memories

Breaking up wasn't that hard for me to do with my first relationship. I guess I wasn't really in love with him that's why I wasn't heartbroken terribly & moved on pretty quick after that. I'm sure it was due to the confusion of my heart between love & infatuation. I was naive & we both just took things too fast in our hands. But it wasn't long until I realized that the heart I have is delicate. When this guy walked out of my life silently, that fragile thing I possessed shattered into a million pieces leaving me picking up those tiny bits by myself. The excruciating pain of thinking someone loved you back then finding out he actually doesn't is unbearable. We were never officially together but I could feel a strong sense of commitment and care, a feeling of responsibility to the him, and a willingness to work out problems, even if it means forsaking my own happiness for him.

I remembered that I never really liked him the first time I knew him. He seems like a stuck up person because he was rather quiet & serious. Gradually until today, I was told by everyone who knew him that he has a world of his own, a queer guy with a only handful set of friends. Now when I come to think of it, it's true that it was his insecurity that blew us apart. Even though we didn't worked out, he's always on my mind . Even at this very moment, I can't help it but to think of the good times I had with him. It would simply tease a smile from my lips. The inside joke we share. The vacuum cleaner war. The south park series. The sleepover. The secrets. The prank we did on others. The slow dance without any music. The pizza meal. His laughter. sigh. What's worst is that I know someone who reminds me of him a lot. Damnit!

Today, I am wiser than I was before. I learned to take things slow & let things fall into places itself. I can't help it but to be paranoid of my past each time I'm seeing someone new. I still have doubts whether or not to give my cracked heart to the boy for fear he would "accidentally" break it. Secretly. I do wish that things would be how they were before. Most likely impossible, I know . As I'm typing this down, I could feel my tears are slowly rolling down my cheeks.I find that it's indeed very true when a person you love leaves, he takes a piece of you with him. You can never be the same again. Your heart, even if it's now occupied by someone new, will always have a tiny secret hole deep down inside where he used to be. The part that died. A grave full of memories. I'm not heal completely but I've moved on.

"Better to have loved & lost than to never have loved at all."