To my daughters' future boyfriends

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE:

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral lineage, photo ID, DMV printout, a current medical report and drug test results from your doctor, and three references . A processing fee of $100.00 (cash only) must also be included.

NAME __________________________________
DAYTIME PHONE NUMBER __________________
HOME ADDRESS _________________________
CITY/STATE ___________________ ZIP ________
DATE OF BIRTH ___________
HEIGHT/WEIGHT ______
HAIR COLOR & LENGTH __________
SOCIAL SECURITY # ____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE ___________________________
IQ _________
GPA ___________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES _______________________

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?
Yes _____ No _____

If NO, please explain ____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married: _____

If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________ Do you own or have access to:
a van? Yes _____ No _____
a truck or car with oversized tires? Yes _____ No _____
a waterbed? Yes _____ No _____
a pickup with a mattress in the back? Yes _____ No _____
a condom? Yes _____ No _____
pornography? Yes _____ No _____

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or tattoo? Yes _____ No _____

If you answered YES to any of the above questions, DISCONTINUE application and leave the premises.

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you? ____________________ _____________________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words! or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _____________________________________ _____________________________________
_____________________________________
___________
Church you attend _______________________________
How often? ___________________________
What was the reason your last girlfriend dumped you? _________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father ___:___ am pm
Mother ___:___ am pm
Priest ___:___ am pm
Previous Girlfriend ___:___ am pm
Parole Officer ___:___ am pm

Answer the following by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _____________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ____________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the: _____________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ________________________________

E: When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice is her: ____________________________________________

NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises while keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is strongly advised.

F: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________________________________

G: The drug store sells condoms in packages of (circle one):

A: 3
B: 6
C: 9
D: 12

E: I don't know because I buy them in bulk quantities from the manufacturer.

H: The last girl that I dated had a bra that used:

A: 1 hook
B: 2 hooks
C: 3 hooks
D: a snap in the front and was easy to remove.

I: My car or truck is equipped with the following (check all that apply):

___ A very large & wide front (or rear) bench seat
___ Front buckets seats that fold down flat
___ A gun rack
___ A V8 engine with over 300 horsepower &! nbsp; ( Best 1/4 mile time: ________ )
___ A 6000 watt stereo that is louder that most jet planes

J: What do you want to do IF you grow up? __________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN! ANT TORTURE, CHINESE WATER TORTURE ,CRUCIFIXION, CASTRATION, ELECTROCUTION, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

____________________________________________

Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

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Thank you for your interest in my daughter.

Please allow four to six years for processing .Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) while waiting for processing.

If your application is approved, you will be contacted in writing. We will then schedule a pre-date meeting with my daughter, myself, and the armed, off-duty police officers who will tail you during the date. On the evening of the date, please arrive at least 30 minutes early so that your auto may be searched and a final urine sample taken.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back).

All decisions are final but you may reapply in 50 years.

--------------------- DO NOT MARK BELOW THIS LINE - OFFICIAL USE ONLY ------------------------
Final judgment & disposition:

Approved _____ Rejected _____ Kill Him ______